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A newly wed girl was being welcomed at the husband’s home in a traditional manner. She was asked to give a little speech. She addressed as follows:
“My dear family members, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family”, she said “Firstly, with my presence I would not want to create any inconveniences by my being here. I mean that I don’t want you all to change your way of life, your routine.”
“What do you mean my child?” asked the patriarch of the family.
What I mean dad is:
Those who used to wash dishes must carry on washing them.
Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.
Those who cooked shouldn’t stop on my account.
Those who used to clean should clean.
As for me, I am here just to entertain your son!
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.
The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back.”
“Where are you going, coochy cooh?” asked the wife.
“I’m going to the bar, pretty face. I’m going to have a beer.”
The wife said, “You want a beer, my love?” She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, “Yes, lolly pop…but at the bar…you know…they have frozen glasses…”
He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, puppy face?”
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious… I won’t be long, I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?”
“You want hors d’oeuvres, poochi pooh?” She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
“But my sweet honey… at the bar… you know… there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…”
“You want dirty words, cutie pie?… “LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FUCKIN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN’T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?”.and, they lived happily ever after!
Q: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 min.
Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual Harassment
Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but you get the remote.
Q: What’s it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
Q: What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?
A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q: What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A: If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q: Why are men like public toilets?
A: Because all the good ones are engaged and the only ones left are full of crap.
Q: What is a man’s view of safe sex?
A: A padded headboard.
Q: What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can’t stand criticism.
Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side.
Q: A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest breasts? A: The blonde, because she’s 18.
Q: Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A: When you take it off you wonder where the breasts went.
Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
SOMEBODY ONCE ASKED GOD, “WHAT SURPRISES YOU MOST, ABOUT MANKIND”
“THEY LOSE THEIR HEALTH TO MAKE MONEY, THEN LOSE THEIR MONEY TO RESTORE THEIR HEALTH. BY THINKING ANXIOUSLY ABOUT THE FUTURE, THEY FORGET THE PRESENT, SUCH THAT, THEY LIVE NEITHER FOR THE PRESENT NOR FOR THE FUTURE… THEY LIVE AS IF THEY WILL NEVER DIE AND THEY DIE AS IF THEY HAVE NEVER LIVED”
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.”
The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”
2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”
The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.” Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”
3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother,
she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”
4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”
Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”
5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.”
6. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.” “Yes,” the class said.
“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?” A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”
7. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.” Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”
1. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
2. I think, therefore I’m single.
3. If you love something, turn it loose. If it doesn’t come back, hunt it down and kill it.
4. Something tells me that I shouldn’t date until the world makes sense again.
5. Divorce – from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
6. Although married people fax often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.
7. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
8. Some women get excited about nothing, and then marry him.
9. Misery doesn’t love company… Nowadays, it insists on it.
10. If at first you don’t succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling.
11. Always remember: one good turn gets most of the blankets.
12. Everyone needs to be loved. Especially when they don’t deserve it.
13. I almost had a psychic girlfriend; but she left me before we met.
14. Love many, trust few, and always paddle your own canoe.
15. Marriage: an expensive way to get your laundry done for free.
16. Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.
17. A man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
18. Love means telling you why you’re sorry.
19. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
20. Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
21. Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
22. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
23. Sex: the pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable.
24. Sex is like air. It isn’t important unless you’re not getting any.
25. Someone once told me that love makes the world go ’round. Well, I just had to laugh in their face because, c’mon, everyone knows that what makes the world go ’round is a mutant gerbil on a treadmill.
26. Marriage isn’t a word, it’s a sentence.
27. Marriage is a fine institution. but I don’t think I’m ready to be put in an institution yet.
28. I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
29. I’m still single because my family-in-law cannot have children.
30. I ran into my ex the other day, hit reverse, and ran into him again.
31. He broke my heart…so I broke his jaw.
32. Early to bed, early to rise, and your girlfriend goes out with other guys.
33. Love is a merry little elf who dances a jig, then turns on you with a machine gun.
34. Women are like hurricanes: when they come they’re wet and wild, and when they leave they take the house and the car.
1. Because you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember what you said to whom. You won’t accidentally contradict yourself.
2. You earn the reputation as an honest person. If you are a manager, your staff members tell each other, “Our boss might be more honest about your work than you sometimes want to hear, but it’s better to know the truth.”
3. People follow your example and are more truthful to you.
4. Your stress level drops. You sleep better, eat better and look better.
5. You can look at yourself in the mirror. Lying causes self-criticism and depression. Honesty causes self-confidence and pride.
6. You are more persuasive. To be persuasive, you need to be believable. To be believable, you must be truthful.
7. Best of all, you are trustworthy. When people can trust you, you earn their support. You need peoples’ support to reach your goals.
This is an interesting post to read about lies.. Here is the link.. Why do we lie?
A wife was making fried eggs for her husband for breakfast. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
“Careful… Careful!!! Put in some more butter! Oh my God! You’re cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my God! Where are we going to get more butter? They’re going to stick! Careful… Careful!!! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!”
The wife stared at him and asked, “What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”
The husband calmly replied, “I wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving with you in the car.”