1. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
2. I think, therefore I’m single.
3. If you love something, turn it loose. If it doesn’t come back, hunt it down and kill it.
4. Something tells me that I shouldn’t date until the world makes sense again.
5. Divorce – from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
6. Although married people fax often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.
7. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
8. Some women get excited about nothing, and then marry him.
9. Misery doesn’t love company… Nowadays, it insists on it.
10. If at first you don’t succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling.
11. Always remember: one good turn gets most of the blankets.
12. Everyone needs to be loved. Especially when they don’t deserve it.
13. I almost had a psychic girlfriend; but she left me before we met.
14. Love many, trust few, and always paddle your own canoe.
15. Marriage: an expensive way to get your laundry done for free.
16. Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.
17. A man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
18. Love means telling you why you’re sorry.
19. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
20. Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
21. Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
22. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
23. Sex: the pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable.
24. Sex is like air. It isn’t important unless you’re not getting any.
25. Someone once told me that love makes the world go ’round. Well, I just had to laugh in their face because, c’mon, everyone knows that what makes the world go ’round is a mutant gerbil on a treadmill.
26. Marriage isn’t a word, it’s a sentence.
27. Marriage is a fine institution. but I don’t think I’m ready to be put in an institution yet.
28. I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
29. I’m still single because my family-in-law cannot have children.
30. I ran into my ex the other day, hit reverse, and ran into him again.
31. He broke my heart…so I broke his jaw.
32. Early to bed, early to rise, and your girlfriend goes out with other guys.
33. Love is a merry little elf who dances a jig, then turns on you with a machine gun.
34. Women are like hurricanes: when they come they’re wet and wild, and when they leave they take the house and the car.

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