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1.”We will do it” means “You will do it”

2.”You have done a great job” means “More work to be given to you”

3.”We are working on it” means “We have not yet started working on the
same”

4.”Tomorrow first thing in the morning” means “Its not getting done
“At least not tomorrow!”

5.”After discussion we will decide-I am very open to views” means “I
have already decided, I will tell you what to do”

6.”There was a slight miscommunication” means “We had actually lied”

7.”Lets call a meeting and discuss” means “I have no time now, will
talk later”

8.”We can always do it” means “We actually cannot do the same on time”

9.”We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension
of the deadline” means “The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver
on time.”

10.”We had slight differences of opinion “means “We had actually
fought”

11.”Make a list of the work that you do and let’s see how I can help
you” means “Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me”

12.”You should have told me earlier” means “Well even if you told me
earlier that would have made hardly any difference!”

13.”We need to find out the real reason” means “Well I will tell you
where your fault is”

14.”Well Family is important; your leave is always granted. Just
ensure that the work is not affected,” means, “Well you know…”

15.”We are a team,” means, “I am not the only one to be blamed”

16.”That’s actually a good question” means “I do not know anything
about it”

17.”All the Best” means “You are in trouble”

Doctor Certified

Certified that Mr. /Miss _________________ , working in your organization, is suffering from ‘time-bound’ illness. Due to this, he will NOT be able to work more than 8 hours a day and 5 days a week. Any attempt to stretch beyond this timing will lead to severe health problems. The losses to the company due to medical reimbursements will be far more compared to the gains made by stretching beyond 8 hours.

It is also warned to keep my patient away from any kind of shocking news such as ” Come over weekend..”, ” Let’s work on holiday..”, ” Leave cannot be granted. .” etc. which can directly lead to heart strokes.

In view of the above, it is strongly recommended to adjust your deadlines in accordance with the convenience of my patient.

Sd/-

Dr. Impatient

Cyber Clinic

It describes the CMM process perfectly…

cmmlevel.jpg

 1. At the movies:
When you meet acquaintances/friends…
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?

Answer:- Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..

2. In the bus:
A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet…
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?

Answer:- No, not at all, I’m on local anesthesia…..why don’t you try again.

3. At a funeral:
One of the teary-eyed people ask…
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.

Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant:
When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is the “Butter Paneer Masala” good??

Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together:
When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question:-Munna,Chickoo, you’ve become so big.

Answer:- Well you haven’t particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask…
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you’re marrying good?

Answer:- No,he’s a miserable wife-beating ,isensitive lout…it’s just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call…
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?

Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping…. you dumb witted moron.

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair…
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?

Answer:- No, its autumn and I’m shedding……

9. At the dentist when he’s sticking pointed objects in your mouth…
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?

Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your office asks…
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.

Answer:-
Gosh, it’s a miracle …………it was a piece of chalk and now it’s in flames!!!

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn’t heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me…

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what’s your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we’ll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I wan! t to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don’t you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He’d forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I’m wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.  HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I’m pretty. Andy says I’m ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you’re pretty ugly.

1) Girlfriend : “…And are you sure you love me and no one else ?”
Boyfriend : “Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday”.

3) Teacher : “What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?”

Pupil : “A teacher”.

4) Waiter : “Would you like your coffee black?”
Customer : “What other colors do you have?”

5) My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

6) Teacher : “Sam, you talk a lot !”
Sam : “It’s a family tradition”.
Teacher : “What do you mean?”
Sam : “Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher”.

Teacher : “What about your mother?”
Sa! m : “She’s a woman”.

7) Tom : “How should I convey the news to my father that I’ve failed?”
David: “You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year’s performance repeated”.

9) Teacher : “Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?”
Sam : “No sir, I don’t have to, my mom is a good cook”.

10) Patient : “What are the chances of my recovering doctor?”
Doctor : “One hundred percent. Medical records sho! w that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I’ve treated. The others all died”.

11) Teacher : ” Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?”
One Student : “Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time.”

12) Teacher : ” George Washington not only chopped down his father’s Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.  Now do you know why his father didn’t punish him ?”
One Student: ” Because George still had the axe in is hand.”

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Father passing by his teenage daughter’s bedroom
was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat
& tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up on the centre of
the pillow. It was addressed “Dad”.
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret & sorrow that I’m writing you, but I’m
leaving home.I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to
avoid a scene with Mom & you. I’ve been finding real passion with
Randy & he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you’ll like him too. Even with all his piercing, tattoos, & motorcycle clothes.
But it’s not only the passion Dad, I’m pregnant &
Randy said that he wants me to have the kid & that we’ll be very happy
together. Even though Randy is much older than me
(anyway,40 isnt so old these days is it?),& has nomoney,
really these things shouldn’t stand in the way of our relationship,
don’t you agree?

Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods
& has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It’s true he has
other girlfrnds as well but I know he’ll be faithful to me in his own
way. Randy taught me that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone and he’ll
be growing it for us and we’ll trade it with our friends for all
the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS
so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!!

Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15 years old now and I know
how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so
you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,
Rosie

At the bottom of the page were the letters ‘PTO’
Hands trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at the neighbor’shouse.I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that’s in my desk centre drawer.
Please sign it and call when it is safe for me
to come home. I love you !!

Top Rajnikant Facts Published
rajni
* There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Rajnikant has allowed to live.
* Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Rajnikant.
* Rajnikant counted to infinity – twice.
* When Rajnikant does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
* Rajnikant is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
* Rajnikant’s hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
* Rajnikant doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
* Rajnikant gave Mona Lisa that smile.
* Rajnikant can slam a revolving door.
* Rajnikant does not get frostbite. Rajnikant bites frost.
* Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a Padayappa on Satellite TV
* There are no races, only countries of people Rajnikant has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
* Rajnikant’s house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
* When Rajnikant has sex with a man, it won’t be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.
* Rajnikant doesn’t actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
* Rajnikant can divide by zero.
* Newton’s Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Rajnikant turnaround kick.
* For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Rajnikant, each testicle is larger than the other one.
* When taking the GRE, write “Rajnikant” for every answer. You will score over 1600.
* Rajnikant invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
* In the beginning there was nothing…then Rajnikant kicked that nothing in the face and said “Get a job”. That is the story of the universe.
* Rajnikant has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
* Rajnikant grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
* Archeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined “victim” as “one who has encountered Rajnikant”
* Rajnikant ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
* If you Google search “Rajnikant getting his ass kicked” you will generate zero results. It just doesn’t happen.
* Rajnikant can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
* Rajnikant doesn’t bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
* It takes Rajnikant 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
* The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Rajnikant kicked one of the corners off.
* There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Rajnikant lives in Chennai.
* Rajnikant once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
* James Cameron wanted Rajnikant to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
* Thousands of years ago Rajnikant came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decedents now have white hair.

FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE
When you rearrange the letters:
FLIT ON CHEERING ANGEL

DILIP VENGSARKAR
When you rearrange the letters:
SPARKLING DRIVE

BARA THEDA
When you rearrange the letters:
ARAB DEATH

PRINCESS DIANA
When you rearrange the letters:
END IS A CAR SPIN

MONICA LEWINSKY
When you rearrange the letters:
NICE SILKY WOMAN

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES – LET’S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z ‘S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

.
.

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

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