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1.”We will do it” means “You will do it”

2.”You have done a great job” means “More work to be given to you”

3.”We are working on it” means “We have not yet started working on the
same”

4.”Tomorrow first thing in the morning” means “Its not getting done
“At least not tomorrow!”

5.”After discussion we will decide-I am very open to views” means “I
have already decided, I will tell you what to do”

6.”There was a slight miscommunication” means “We had actually lied”

7.”Lets call a meeting and discuss” means “I have no time now, will
talk later”

8.”We can always do it” means “We actually cannot do the same on time”

9.”We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension
of the deadline” means “The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver
on time.”

10.”We had slight differences of opinion “means “We had actually
fought”

11.”Make a list of the work that you do and let’s see how I can help
you” means “Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me”

12.”You should have told me earlier” means “Well even if you told me
earlier that would have made hardly any difference!”

13.”We need to find out the real reason” means “Well I will tell you
where your fault is”

14.”Well Family is important; your leave is always granted. Just
ensure that the work is not affected,” means, “Well you know…”

15.”We are a team,” means, “I am not the only one to be blamed”

16.”That’s actually a good question” means “I do not know anything
about it”

17.”All the Best” means “You are in trouble”

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn’t heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me…

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what’s your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we’ll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I wan! t to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don’t you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He’d forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I’m wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.  HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I’m pretty. Andy says I’m ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you’re pretty ugly.

1) Girlfriend : “…And are you sure you love me and no one else ?”
Boyfriend : “Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday”.

3) Teacher : “What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?”

Pupil : “A teacher”.

4) Waiter : “Would you like your coffee black?”
Customer : “What other colors do you have?”

5) My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

6) Teacher : “Sam, you talk a lot !”
Sam : “It’s a family tradition”.
Teacher : “What do you mean?”
Sam : “Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher”.

Teacher : “What about your mother?”
Sa! m : “She’s a woman”.

7) Tom : “How should I convey the news to my father that I’ve failed?”
David: “You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year’s performance repeated”.

9) Teacher : “Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?”
Sam : “No sir, I don’t have to, my mom is a good cook”.

10) Patient : “What are the chances of my recovering doctor?”
Doctor : “One hundred percent. Medical records sho! w that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I’ve treated. The others all died”.

11) Teacher : ” Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?”
One Student : “Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time.”

12) Teacher : ” George Washington not only chopped down his father’s Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.  Now do you know why his father didn’t punish him ?”
One Student: ” Because George still had the axe in is hand.”

  • Our real world dictionary defines a pessimist as an optimist with experience.
  • Experience is what you get when you don’t get what you want.
  • Romance should never begin with sentiment. It should begin with science and end with a settlement.
  • The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman is that one of them must be good at taking orders.
  • Some people are so determined to find blissful happiness that they overlook a lifetime of contentment.
  • The only good thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others.
  • All perfect marriages are made up of couples who accept the fact that they have an imperfect marriage.
  • Marriages are made in heaven. But, remember, so are thunder and lightning.
  • Courtship: Is like looking at the beautiful photos in a seed catalog.
  • Marriage: Is what actually comes up in your garden.
  • Money resembles fat… there is plenty of it, but always in the wrong places.
  • The black box of the plane is indestructible, why do they not make the plane of the same material?
  • Mobile phones are the only things in life of which men talk about having the smallest.
  • Some people live because it’s illegal to kill them!

    —————-
    Now playing: Bryan Adams – Cloud Number Nine
    via FoxyTunes

 

ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.

ACTORS do it on cue.

ADVERTISERS use the “new, improved” method.

AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.

ANSI does it in the standard way

ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old.

ARCHITECTS have great plans.

ARTISTS are exhibitionists.

ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.

ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.

ATTORNEYS make better motions.

AUDITORS like to examine figures. Read the rest of this entry »

Dear Sir,

I Love Your Wife..!!

“I’m hungry.” = I’m hungry“I’m sleepy.” = I’m sleepy.

“I’m tired.” = I’m tired.

“Do you want to go to a movie?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

“Can I take you out to dinner?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

“Can I call you sometime?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

“May I have this dance?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

“Nice dress!” = Nice cleavage!

“You look tense, let me give you a massage.” = I want to fondle you.

“What’s wrong?” = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

“What’s wrong?” = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

“I’m bored.” = Do you want to have sex?

“I love you.” = Let’s have sex now.

“I love you, too.” = Okay, I said it…we’d better have sex now!

“Yes, I like the way you cut your hair.” = I liked it better before.

“Yes, I like the way you cut your hair.” = $50 and it doesn’t look that much different!

“Let’s talk.” = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me.

“Will you marry me?” = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

and FINALLY… (while shopping)

“I like that one better.” = Just pick ANY dress and let’s go home!

Smile for a while when:
When the DOCTOR says, Take off your clothes.

When the DENTIST says, Open wide.

When the HAIRDRESSER says, Do you want it teased or blown?

When the MILKMAN says, Do you want it in the front or the back?

When the INTERIOR DECORATOR says, Once it’s in, you’ll love it.

When the SHARE BROKER says, It will rise right up, fluctuate for a while and then slowly fall back again.

When the BANKER says, If you take it out too soon, you’ll lose interest.

When the HUNTER says, Goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

When the TELEPHONE GUY says, Would you like it On the table or against the wall?

1dRfl – wonderful
2 – to/too/two
2dA – today
2moro – tomorrow
2nite – tonite
3dom – freedom
4 – for
4get – forget
4N – foreign
ADN – any day now
AFAIK – as far as I know
AFAIR – as far as I recall
ASAP – as soon as possible
ATM – at the moment
B – be
B4 – before
B4N – bye for now
BB – bye-bye
Bf -boyfriend
BG – big grin
BION – believe it or not
BK – big kiss
BTDT – been there, done that
BTW – by the way
By – busy
C – see/sea
CB – call back
CUL – see you later
CWYL – chat with you later
DUZ – does
DUZNT – doesn’t
F2F – free to talk?
G2G – got to go
Gf – girlfried
Gr8 – great
Grr – angry
H2 – how to
HUH – have you heard?
IC – I see
ICCL – I couldn’t care less
IK – I know
ILU (or ILY) – I love you
in4ml – informal
KISS – keep it simple, stupid
KUTGW – keep up the good work
@ “At”
MSG “Message”
W “With”
ATB “All the best”
NE “Any”
W/O “Without”
B “Be, Bee”
NETHNG “Anything”
WKND “Weekend”
BCNU “I’ll be seeing you”
NE1 “Anyone”
XLNT “Excellent”
BWD “Backward”
NO1 “No-one”
XOXOX “Hugs and kisses”
B4 “Before”
OIC “Oh, I see”
YR “Your”
C “See, Sea”
PCM “Please call me”
1 “One, Won”
CU “See you”
PLS “Please”
2 “Too, To, Two”
DOIN “Doing”
PPL “People”

Read the rest of this entry »

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